Understanding Agency and Responsibility

There are only two positions you can take about anything that happens in your life.

The first is victim. This is where most people live. Things happen TO you. The economy crashes and wipes out your savings. Someone betrays your trust. You get sick. Your parents didn’t raise you right. Your boss is unreasonable. In the victim position, you are a leaf in the wind. You might be smart, talented, hardworking — doesn’t matter. External forces run the show and you just react to whatever comes.

The second position is creator. You created it. You allowed it. You attracted it. You failed to prevent it. However it happened, you were a factor in it showing up. Not the only factor. But a factor.

Why This Matters

From the victim position, you have zero power. If everything that happens to you was caused by forces outside your control, then you can’t change anything. You can only wait for the world to rearrange itself in your favor. People spend decades waiting. The world does not cooperate.

From the creator position, you have options. If you had a hand in creating the situation — even a small hand — then you can have a hand in changing it. You’re not powerless. You’re not stuck. You might not like what you find when you look at your part in things, but at least you have something to work with.

This is the core trade-off of responsibility: comfort versus power. The victim position is more comfortable. It’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. You’re the victim. That feels safer than admitting you might have played a role in the mess you’re in.

But comfort without power is a cage. A very nicely decorated cage, maybe. But a cage.

What Being a Creator Is Not

Being a creator is not blame. This is where people get tripped up and stop reading.

Saying “I am a creator” does not mean “I deserve what happened.” It does not mean “it’s all my fault.” It does not mean the other person wasn’t wrong, or that bad things don’t happen to good people, or that the universe is fair.

The universe is not fair. People do terrible things to each other. Random, senseless events happen every day.

But notice — none of that changes the fundamental question. You can acknowledge that something was unjust, that someone else was wrong, that you didn’t deserve it — and still ask: “What was my part? Where was I in this? What did I do or fail to do that contributed to this outcome?”

Blame looks backward and assigns fault. Being a creator looks forward and finds leverage. They feel completely different from the inside, even though they sound similar from the outside.

The Test

Here’s how you know which position you’re in. Ask yourself about a difficult situation in your life and listen to the language you use.

Victim sounds like: “They did this to me.” “I had no choice.” “Anyone would have done the same thing.” “There was nothing I could do.” “If only they hadn’t…”

Creator sounds like: “I chose to stay.” “I ignored the warning signs.” “I didn’t set the boundary.” “I allowed that pattern to continue.” “I could have acted sooner.”

Victim language removes you from the equation. Creator language puts you back in. That’s the whole difference.

Today’s Practice

Pick one situation in your life where things aren’t working — a relationship, a job situation, a financial problem, a health issue. Something real, something that matters.

First, write down the victim version. How is this situation something that was done to you? What’s the story you tell yourself and others about why this isn’t your fault? Get it all out. Don’t censor it.

Then write down the creator version. Where were you in this? What did you choose? What did you allow? What did you ignore? What did you fail to do?

Don’t force the creator version. If you genuinely can’t find your part in something, write that down too. But push past the first layer of resistance, because the first layer is almost always protective.

Notice how each version feels in your body. The victim version probably feels righteous. The creator version probably feels uncomfortable. Get familiar with both sensations. You’re going to need them.