Three Directions

The writing practice dealt with specific content. Particular things unsaid with particular people. Now we’re going to work on something broader: the directions communication flows in, and where yours are blocked.

Communication doesn’t just go one way. It moves in three directions, and freedom requires all three to be open.

The Three Flows

The first is outflow. What you communicate to others. Your ability to say what you think, express what you feel, state what you want. This is the direction most people think of when they think about communication. Can you speak openly? Can you express yourself without censoring?

The second is inflow. What you receive from others. Your ability to hear what’s being said, take in feedback, receive compliments, absorb criticism, let someone’s words land. This one surprises people. They think they’re good listeners. But receiving communication fully, without deflecting, minimizing, or armoring up, is rare.

The third is crossflow. What others communicate to each other. Your ability to tolerate other people talking, exchanging ideas, having relationships that don’t include you. Can you handle two friends having a conversation you’re not part of? Can you tolerate your partner having close relationships with others? Can you sit in a room where people are communicating freely around you without needing to control it?

Most people have at least one of these blocked. Many have two. Some have all three restricted in various ways.

How Blocks Show Up

A blocked outflow looks like chronic holding back, inability to speak up, swallowing your truth, people-pleasing. You know what you want to say but you can’t get it out. Or you don’t even let yourself know what you want to say because you’ve decided in advance that saying it isn’t an option.

A blocked inflow looks like deflecting compliments, dismissing feedback, not hearing what people are telling you, going blank when someone says something important. People talk to you and it slides off. They share something real and you change the subject. They offer praise and you immediately minimize it.

A blocked crossflow looks like jealousy, controlling behavior, needing to be included in everything, discomfort when others connect without you. Two colleagues having a private conversation and you feel threatened. Your partner laughing with someone on the phone and you feel left out. A group having a meeting you weren’t invited to and you can’t let it go.

Your Pattern

Everyone has a shape. Usually one flow is relatively open and the others are restricted. Maybe you can express yourself freely but you can’t receive. Maybe you receive beautifully but you can’t tolerate others communicating without you. Maybe you’re fine with everyone else communicating but you yourself can’t open your mouth.

The shape isn’t random. It formed in response to early experiences. If expressing yourself got you punished, outflow shut down. If receiving was overwhelming, too much criticism, too much emotion, inflow shut down. If you were excluded or betrayed by people communicating behind your back, crossflow shut down.

Whatever the origin, the result is the same: you’re operating with restricted communication bandwidth. And restricted bandwidth affects everything. Relationships, work, creativity, self-knowledge.

Why All Three Matter

You might wonder why crossflow matters. You can see why being able to speak and listen matters, but what does it matter if other people are talking to each other?

More than you’d think. A blocked crossflow creates a subtle controlling dynamic. You need to be in the middle of things. You need to know what’s being said. You need to manage how people relate to each other. This takes enormous energy and it makes genuine intimacy difficult, because real intimacy requires letting people be free, including free to connect with others.

Some of the most interpersonally “skilled” people you know have a fully blocked crossflow. They’re great one-on-one but they can’t tolerate being excluded from any conversation. That’s not skill. That’s a compensation for a block.

Full communication freedom means all three flows are open. You can say what needs to be said, receive what’s being offered, and let others communicate freely without needing to manage it. That’s the target.

Today’s Practice

Take some time with each of the three flows. Think about real situations in your life.

Outflow: Think about a recent situation where you had something to say but didn’t say it. Or where you softened what you said to the point of dishonesty. How easy is it for you to express yourself fully? Rate it: open, partially blocked, or blocked.

Inflow: Think about the last time someone gave you genuine praise. What happened inside? Did you take it in, or did you deflect? Think about the last time someone criticized you. Could you hear it? Rate it: open, partially blocked, or blocked.

Crossflow: Think about two people you care about having a close conversation without you. How does that feel? Think about colleagues collaborating on something and not including you. Think about your partner having a deep friendship. What arises? Rate it: open, partially blocked, or blocked.

Write down your assessment. Which flow is your strongest? Which is most blocked? What situations trigger the block?

Be specific. Don’t just write “inflow is blocked.” Write the situations where it shows up. “I can’t receive compliments about my appearance.” “I shut down when my partner gives me feedback about parenting.” “I change the subject when someone thanks me sincerely.” The more specific you are, the more useful the map becomes.

We’ll work on opening all three in the next lesson.