Deep Values Inquiry Part 1

Most people try to figure out their values by thinking about them. They sit down, brainstorm a list of nice-sounding words, and pick the ones that feel right. Freedom. Love. Growth. Integrity.

That approach gives you a bumper sticker. It doesn’t give you your actual values.

Your real values didn’t come from a brainstorming session. They were forged. Usually in moments when something important was missing. The things you value most deeply are almost always the things you didn’t have enough of at critical times.

Why Deficiency Shapes Values

A kid who grows up in chaos doesn’t end up valuing adventure. They value stability. Peace. Predictability. Because they know exactly what it costs to not have those things.

A kid who grows up controlled doesn’t end up valuing structure. They value freedom. Autonomy. Space. Because they felt what it’s like to have those things taken away.

This isn’t destiny. It’s data. Understanding where your values came from gives you something useful — the ability to see which ones are genuinely yours and which ones are just reactions to old pain.

Both matter. But you need to see them clearly before you can choose them consciously.

The Inquiry: Ages 0-10

Get a notebook. This isn’t a digital exercise. Write by hand if you can — it engages a different part of the brain and slows you down enough to be honest.

Answer these questions in as much detail as you can. Don’t rush. Don’t filter. Let the answers come even if they’re uncomfortable.

What was missing in your childhood (ages 0-10)?

• What did you need that you didn’t get enough of?
• What did you see other kids have that you didn’t?
• What emotions were not allowed or not safe in your household?
• What did you learn to suppress to keep the peace?

What was present that shouldn’t have been?

• What did you have too much of?
• What stressors were in the environment that a kid shouldn’t have had to deal with?

Write everything. Specifics matter more than generalizations. “I didn’t feel safe” is a start. “I didn’t feel safe because Mom and Dad screamed at each other every night after 9pm and I could hear it through the wall” is useful.

The Inquiry: Ages 10-21

Now move forward. Adolescence and young adulthood — the years when you started making your own choices and discovering who you were separate from your family.

• What did you desperately want during this period that you couldn’t get?
• What did you try to become to earn approval or belonging?
• What parts of yourself did you hide?
• What did you promise yourself you’d never be like?
• What did you promise yourself you’d always have?

Those promises are values in disguise. The thing you swore you’d never repeat — its opposite is a core value. The thing you swore you’d always have — that’s a core value too.

The Inquiry: Time, Space, and Gravitation

These three questions sound abstract but they cut deep. Answer them quickly, without overthinking.

Time. If you knew you had exactly five years left, what would you do differently starting tomorrow? What would you stop doing? What would you start? What would you finally say to someone?

Space. If you could live anywhere in the world with no financial or logistical constraints, where would you be? What does that place represent to you? What quality of life does it offer that your current situation doesn’t?

Gravitation. What pulls you? When you have free time with no obligations, where does your attention naturally go? Not where you think it should go — where it goes. What topics, activities, or people draw you in without effort?

What You’re Building

These answers are raw material. They’re messy and emotional and contradictory. That’s correct. You’re not supposed to have clean conclusions yet.

What you’re doing is mining. You’re digging below the surface-level answers — “I value family” — to find the bedrock underneath. The specific experiences that shaped why you value what you value.

Keep your answers. Don’t edit them. We’ll use them in the next several lessons to distill something you can use.